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Our future, our universe, and other weighty topics

Monday, August 17, 2015

Nanobot Wife: A Science Fiction Story

Waldo Schmenk was tired of the dating frustration he was experiencing in the year 2060. A shy, plain-looking man with a big nose, Waldo was tired of all the rejection he got from the opposite sex. With modern technology, it seemed ridiculously easy for Waldo to meet single women. But this only seemed to increase his number of monthly rejections. So one day Waldo decided to go shopping for a technological solution to his frustrations. He went to the office of a company called Personal Fulfillment, Inc.

I want to find a nice wife, and I'm tired of trying conventional methods,” said Waldo. “What can your company do for me?”

Let me tell you about some of our astonishing products,” said Brad Blair, one of the company's salesmen. “Let me take you into Room C for a hot little demo.”

Inside Room C there was a very attractive blonde who immediately started addressing Waldo seductively, promising life-long fidelity.
She's lovely,” said Waldo. “But are there any drawbacks?”

Well, of course, this one's a hologram,” said Brad. “So you can't physically interact with her. But other than that, she makes a perfect little wife.”

No thanks,” said Waldo. “I'm looking for a more physical relationship.”

Brad then took Waldo into Room D, and showed some of the company's robot models. There was a very attractive redhead model with long flowing hair.

Can I try her out a bit?” asked Waldo.

Sure,” said Brad.

Waldo tried giving the robot some kisses and hugs. But he found it oddly disappointing. Somehow it was like kissing a mannequin dummy in a department store.

I don't think this quite works for me,” said Waldo.

Well, there is one other exciting new product we have,” said Brad. “It's a new product we call a nanobot wife.”

A nanobot wife?” asked Waldo. “I don't want some tiny little wife smaller than a flea.”

No, you've got the wrong idea,” said Brad. “A nanobot wife is created when we inject some tiny nanobots into your brain. The nanobots manipulate your brain to create an illusion in your mind, the illusion that you have a beautiful wife. To your eyes she will look just like a real wife. You will be able to physically interact with her just as pleasurably as if you had a real wife. It won't be real sex, but it will seem to you just like real sex.”

Waldo was skeptical, but after being informed about the special introductory discount, he was finally persuaded. The company's technician injected the nanobots into Waldo's brain. When he awoke at his bed in the company's medical area, a beautiful blonde figure appeared before him.

Waldo couldn't believe how lovely the woman looked. She talked just like a regular woman. When Waldo held her, she felt just like a regular woman.

Thanks for the great deal on this nanobot wife,” said Waldo to Brad. “Any last minute tips?”

The biggest problem you'll have is that nobody will be able to see your nanobot wife except you,” explained Brad. “That's because she's just an illusion created by the nanobots in your brain. So when you stroll down the street talking to her, people may think you're some crazy person talking to himself. But if anyone asks you why you were talking to yourself, just pretend you were talking on the phone.”

That night Waldo had a blissful intimate encounter with his new nanobot wife. But things took a dark turn in the morning. The nanobot wife suddenly appeared with a crazed look on her face, while holding a big knife. The nanobot wife lunged after Waldo with the knife, as if trying to kill him.

For five minutes Waldo was chased around the house by the bizarre knife-yielding figure apparently bent on murder. Finally Waldo escaped, and made his way back to the offices of Personal Fulfillment, Inc.

What the hell is wrong with that nanobot wife you gave me?” screamed Waldo. “She's been trying to kill me all morning.”

Apologizing, Brad started asking around the company. He finally came back to Waldo with an explanation.

I'm terribly sorry, but there's a logical explanation for what you experienced,” said Brad. “You see one of our most popular products is a nanobot product called 50 Shades of Danger. It works like this: we inject nanobots into your brain, and then you start experiencing all kinds of dangers. They aren't real dangers, they're just vivid illusions in your mind created by the nanobots. This product is very popular for the kind of person who likes to go on scary amusement park rides.”

What does that have to do with me?” asked Waldo.

I can explain,” said Brad. “You see in our rush to get the Nanobot Wife product finished, we apparently got some of our nanobot subroutines mixed up. What you experienced was the 'Wife tries to kill you' module of the 50 Shades of Danger nanobot entertainment product. It was just a bit of an accidental mix-up.”

Take all the nanobots out of my head,” demanded Waldo.

Waldo got a complete refund from the company. Frustrated with his high-tech experience, Waldo decided to go back to looking for a wife the old-fashioned way. He marched into a bar, vowing to use a good pickup line on the first attractive lady he saw. But what line could he use? He thought long and hard, and then decided on a pickup line that he thought was really fresh and original.

Hey, good looking,” said Waldo to a pretty blonde at the bar. “What ya got cooking?”