Waldo Schmenk was tired of
the dating frustration he was experiencing in the year 2060. A shy,
plain-looking man with a big nose, Waldo was tired of all the
rejection he got from the opposite sex. With modern technology, it
seemed ridiculously easy for Waldo to meet single women. But this
only seemed to increase his number of monthly rejections. So one day
Waldo decided to go shopping for a technological solution to his
frustrations. He went to the office of a company called Personal
Fulfillment, Inc.
“I want to find a nice
wife, and I'm tired of trying conventional methods,” said Waldo.
“What can your company do for me?”
“Let me tell you about
some of our astonishing products,” said Brad Blair, one of the
company's salesmen. “Let me take you into Room C for a hot little
demo.”
Inside Room C there was a
very attractive blonde who immediately started addressing Waldo
seductively, promising life-long fidelity.
“She's lovely,” said
Waldo. “But are there any drawbacks?”
“Well, of course, this
one's a hologram,” said Brad. “So you can't physically interact
with her. But other than that, she makes a perfect little wife.”
“No thanks,” said
Waldo. “I'm looking for a more physical relationship.”
Brad then took Waldo into
Room D, and showed some of the company's robot models. There was a
very attractive redhead model with long flowing hair.
“Can I try her out a
bit?” asked Waldo.
“Sure,” said Brad.
Waldo tried giving the
robot some kisses and hugs. But he found it oddly disappointing.
Somehow it was like kissing a mannequin dummy in a department store.
“I don't think this
quite works for me,” said Waldo.
“Well, there is one other
exciting new product we have,” said Brad. “It's a new product we
call a nanobot wife.”
“A nanobot wife?”
asked Waldo. “I don't want some tiny little wife smaller than a
flea.”
“No, you've got the
wrong idea,” said Brad. “A nanobot wife is created when we inject
some tiny nanobots into your brain. The nanobots manipulate your
brain to create an illusion in your mind, the illusion that you have
a beautiful wife. To your eyes she will look just like a real wife.
You will be able to physically interact with her just as pleasurably
as if you had a real wife. It won't be real sex, but it will seem to
you just like real sex.”
Waldo was skeptical, but
after being informed about the special introductory discount, he was
finally persuaded. The company's technician injected the nanobots
into Waldo's brain. When he awoke at his bed in the company's medical area, a beautiful blonde
figure appeared before him.
Waldo couldn't believe how
lovely the woman looked. She talked just like a regular woman. When
Waldo held her, she felt just like a regular woman.
“Thanks for the great
deal on this nanobot wife,” said Waldo to Brad. “Any last minute tips?”
“The biggest problem
you'll have is that nobody will be able to see your nanobot wife
except you,” explained Brad. “That's because she's just an
illusion created by the nanobots in your brain. So when you stroll
down the street talking to her, people may think you're some crazy
person talking to himself. But if anyone asks you why you were
talking to yourself, just pretend you were talking on the phone.”
That night Waldo had a
blissful intimate encounter with his new nanobot wife. But things
took a dark turn in the morning. The nanobot wife suddenly appeared
with a crazed look on her face, while holding a big knife. The
nanobot wife lunged after Waldo with the knife, as if trying to kill
him.
For five minutes Waldo was
chased around the house by the bizarre knife-yielding figure
apparently bent on murder. Finally Waldo escaped, and made his way
back to the offices of Personal Fulfillment, Inc.
“What the hell is wrong
with that nanobot wife you gave me?” screamed Waldo. “She's been
trying to kill me all morning.”
Apologizing, Brad started
asking around the company. He finally came back to Waldo with an
explanation.
“I'm terribly sorry, but
there's a logical explanation for what you experienced,” said Brad.
“You see one of our most popular products is a nanobot product
called 50 Shades of Danger. It works like this: we inject
nanobots into your brain, and then you start experiencing all kinds
of dangers. They aren't real dangers, they're just vivid illusions in
your mind created by the nanobots. This product is very popular for
the kind of person who likes to go on scary amusement park rides.”
“What does that have to
do with me?” asked Waldo.
“I can explain,” said
Brad. “You see in our rush to get the Nanobot Wife product
finished, we apparently got some of our nanobot subroutines mixed up.
What you experienced was the 'Wife tries to kill you' module of the
50 Shades of Danger nanobot
entertainment product. It was just a bit of an accidental mix-up.”
“Take
all the nanobots out of my head,” demanded Waldo.
Waldo
got a complete refund from the company. Frustrated with his
high-tech experience, Waldo decided to go back to looking for a wife
the old-fashioned way. He marched into a bar, vowing to use a good
pickup line on the first attractive lady he saw. But what line could
he use? He thought long and hard, and then decided on a pickup line
that he thought was really fresh and original.
“Hey,
good looking,” said Waldo to a pretty blonde at the bar. “What ya
got cooking?”
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