The Large Hadron Collider uses so much energy that before it started
running in 2008 many people were worried that this gigantic circular
scientific device would produce a black hole that would destroy our
entire planet. I'm not going to tell you that I used the Large Hadron
Collider to destroy our entire planet. I'm merely going to tell you
something a lot simpler and easier to believe, which is that I hacked
the Large Hadron Collider and turned it into a machine for
teleporting objects into the Fourth Dimension.
I could tell you the technical details of how I did it. I could tell
you about how I discovered a variant of supersymmetry theory which
postulated a Fourth Dimension we could actually reach from our
planet, by applying sufficient energy. I could tell you about how I
hacked into the software used by the Large Hadron Collider, the
world's largest particle accelerator, so that I could secretly use
some of its enormous energy to teleport objects into the Fourth
Dimension. I could go into the details of the mathematics, which
would quickly make your head hurt. I could tell you about the small
electronic gizmos I added in a few places of the Large Hadron
Collider, additions which no one noticed because there were already
miles of electronic machinery inside its vast circular shape. But
I'll spare you that discussion. Just take my word for it: by the time
I had finished all my secret shenanigans, I had created a device
allowing me to send any object from our familiar world to the
mysterious Fourth Dimension. I was the only person in the world who
knew about this functionality.
I remember the first time I did a teleportation. I used my computer
at the Large Hadron Collider, the computer in my little private
office. I logged in to the computer program I had written, and
clicked on some buttons allowing me to secretly steal some of the
energy of the Large Hadron Collider. I then specified some spatial
coordinates for the object I wanted to teleport to the Fourth
Dimension. The spatial coordinates were for a tree I could see out of
my office window. I pressed the Teleport button on my software
screen, and then I looked out the window. The tree was gone.
But at this point I didn't really know that the object had gone to
the Fourth Dimension, because I hadn't yet actually gone to the
Fourth Dimension, and seen the tree over there. So I figured what I
needed to do was teleport myself to the Fourth Dimension, to verify
its existence with my own eyes. This raised a tricky issue: once I
teleported myself to the Fourth Dimension, how could I get back to
our world? My solution was to add to my computer interface some
functionality that would allow me to specify a return time for any
object I teleported to the Fourth Dimension. So if I wanted to
transport an object permanently into the Fourth Dimension, I would
just not specify a return time, and the object would stay over there
forever. But if I wanted to transport myself for an hour to the
Fourth Dimension, I would specify a return time one hour into the
future, insuring that I would stay over there for only one hour.
Using my improved interface, I specified my own spatial coordinates,
and I specified a return time one hour into the future. I pressed
the Teleport button on my screen. Then it happened. I was no longer
in our world. I was in the Fourth Dimension. The teleportation had
worked.
I looked all around and saw nothing but a flat featureless plane. On the flat plane
I could see no objects except for one thing: the tree I had teleported from outside my
office window. I was delighted. The teleportation had worked just as
I had hoped.
I had specified on my computer screen that my teleportation should
only last for one hour. I had teleported at 6:00 PM, and I expected
to be teleported back at 7:00 PM. I looked at my watch very nervously
as the time approached 7:00 PM. Would it work as I expected, or would
I be stuck alone in the Fourth Dimension?
To my delight exactly at 7:00 PM I was teleported back to my office.
Everything had worked exactly as I had hoped.
Having proven that the Fourth Dimension was real, and that I could
reach it, I wondered what to do next. Should I tell my bosses at the
Large Hadron Collider that I had developed the most astonishing
breakthrough in scientific history? I considered that, but I figured
that it would not be very profitable to me. Sure, I would be able to
write a book, and do a profitable speaking tour, but I longed for
greater riches.
It was then that I realized that I could use my invention to become
wealthy beyond my wildest dreams.
It was so simple. All that I had to do was to use my invention to
teleport some of the world's greatest riches into the Fourth
Dimension. Then I would have those riches to use however I wished. No
one would be able to discover that I had stolen the riches, because I
was the only one who knew how to get to the Fourth Dimension.
I decided to start with the Mona Lisa, one of the world's most famous
paintings. On the internet I got the exact spatial coordinates of the
Louvre Museum in Paris, and all of its rooms. I was then able to
determine the exact spatial coordinates for the spot where the Mona
Lisa hung in the Louvre Museum. I typed in the coordinates on my
computer screen, and pressed the Teleport button. At first I had no
idea whether it had worked. But that night I heard on the television
news that Leonardo da Vinci's famous painting the Mona Lisa had
vanished from the Louvre Museum. I assumed I had successfully
teleported the painting into the Fourth Dimension.
I then figured that I would like to own a nice diamond. I tried to
remember the names of any diamonds, and I could remember only one:
the Hope Diamond, a beautiful grayish-blue diamond of 45 carats.
After some research on the internet, I was able to find out the exact
spatial coordinates of the spot where the Hope Diamond was stored. I
typed in the coordinates on my computer screen, and pressed the
Teleport button. The next day it was announced that the Hope Diamond
had mysteriously disappeared.
Using the same technique, I teleported into the Fourth Dimension five
tons of gold bricks from a Federal Reserve Bank, and twenty million
dollars in unmarked bills from a bank in New York.
I then longed to touch with my own hands the riches I had stolen. So
using the same computer screen I had used before, I specified the
spatial coordinates of my own location. As soon as I pressed the Teleport button, I was instantly transported
back to the Fourth Dimension.
I looked around, and saw everything that I expected to see. There was
the same featureless plane I had seen before. On the plane were all
the things I had teleported to the Fourth Dimension: the tree, the
Mona Lisa, the Hope Diamond, the five tons of gold bricks, and the
twenty million dollars in unmarked cash.
I went up to the Hope Diamond, and picked it up in my hand. I held
the Mona Lisa in my hands, and gently touched the edge of the canvas.
Putting the painting down, I looked at my watch, and asked myself:
now what was it that I had specified as the return hour when I would
be teleported back to my office? It was 6:15 PM, and I thought I must
have typed in a return time of 7:00 PM just as I had done on my first
trip to the Fourth Dimension.
But then 7:00 PM came and went. I will still there in the Fourth
Dimension. I then realized to my horror: when I had used my
computer screen in my office I had failed to type in a return time.
My computer program had no provision at all for a default return
time. I could have programmed in such a feature easily enough, but I
had neglected to do it. My failure to type in a return time meant
one thing: I would never return from the Fourth Dimension.
I looked around the featureless plane on which I stood. There was no
food or water anywhere. I could keep walking along the featureless
plane, but would be unlikely to find anything that would save my
life. I was doomed.
I wrote these words down as a record for anyone who discovers my
lifeless body here in the Fourth Dimension. If you are reading these
words, I guess you have also reached the Fourth Dimension. I hope you
have some way to get out of it.
How could I have been so stupid as to have failed to type in my
return time on my computer screen? I have one explanation.
It's simple. It is an old curse. I dimly recall it now. There is a
curse involving the Hope Diamond. The Hope Diamond was first stolen
from the eye of a sacred Hindu idol in India. From that moment, the
Hope Diamond has brought doom to every person who tried to take it as
his own. I am the latest victim of this old curse.
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